I wrote this piece about a year ago. I totally forgot I even had it. I still like it and I figured it was worth posting.
It can be very easy to fall back into old habits; especially when the closure that you so desperately sought years before never came full circle.
You might of thought at the time that all your feelings could be neatly packed away in the depth of memories of years gone by but reality is until you get that red seal of ‘closure’ approval…those feelings are always there.
And they can resurface at any time.
So what got me thinking these deep philosophical thoughts?
A rock song, if you can believe it.
A song that was on repeat on the CD player and I listened to all afternoon.
A song, whose lyrics stopped me dead in my tracks.
It was a song that made me realize that in the end I had made the right decision; and that any thoughts of ‘what ifs’ had completely disappeared in those 3 ½ minutes of that song. [And the industry critics say that there aren’t any good songs being written any more…whatever.]
The lyrics basically talk about the whole ‘what if’ scenario that all women go through in all stages in life.
We all have that one guy, who, when we were with them everything was seen through rose colored lenses. We could see no wrong. Life was great. The relationship seemed flawless. There was an abundance of passion and raw energy. And the sex of course was mind blowing. It’s that chapter in your life where you have no inhibitions. And even though everyone around you knew it was going to end badly, you were completely oblivious.
And it wasn’t until recently that I realized why women go through this phase of relationship denial.
We have these relationships because they act as our barometer of how we never want to feel…the hurt and the inner pain that we go through is something we never want to go through again.
It makes us understand that even though you have given of yourself completely…mind, body and soul, that in the end it takes just one fleeting moment where everything changes.
That one guy who you thought was ‘the one’, the one that feels you like no one before can hurt you more that you ever thought possible. All you see is the moment of the good in the relationship and you can’t see that in a few months he will break you into a million pieces, despite the fact the signs were always there.
It’s that one moment of truth; even though you both used the words ‘I love you’, that in the end it wasn’t enough.
It takes a while to get your mind around the fact that there is someone walking around out there who knows you completely…mind, body and soul…but isn’t in your life anymore. You feel exposed…naked. You think that once a person knows who you are that intimately and that passionately, absolutely nothing can ever tear you apart.
But that is the lesson that is learned…just took me a little longer to figure it out. The tears stopped running years ago but I always had this feeling in the gut of my stomach…it was that ‘what if’ scenario that played through my head over and over again.
What if we had worked harder at the relationship?
What if he had said he was sorry sooner?
What if I had told I missed him sooner?
What if he had felt the same intensity that I had?
What if it hadn’t taken him seven years to realize that I was the one he let get away?
See how draining that experience can be?
You can literally spend all day coming with new ‘what if’ categories.
But the reality is death of relationships happen for a reason. It what makes us unique individuals…because we all walk away from these experiences with new life lessons.
We learn that it is possible to be blinded by lust and love.
We learn that relationships are meant to be broken sometimes…no matter how hard you try to keep it going.
We learn that the tears we shed and the walls we put up around of us when we get hurt helps us in our next walk down the road of love.
We learn that we do stop crying and that breathing freely again does become easier.
We learn that you can’t make someone see that they are throwing away something that comes around only a few times in one’s life.
We learn that even though we write in our diaries we wish we could turn back time and stay in the moments of pure bliss…we can’t.
We learn that walking away is hard but it does make us stronger, even if at the time you can’t see it.
We learn that walking the walk of the talk we talk in relationships is not bound by any rules.
Things in relationships are in constant flux. Sometimes you have what it takes to work it out and with others you are so drained that ending the chapter is the only thing that you can do.
But the real test is when you run into that person, years down the road.
Strange how years apart allow you to really see the situation and that person for what it really is.
All it takes is one long talk over a few cups of coffee to make you realize that is was meant to be.
Yes a part of your heart will always be occupied by him but it’s different…it’s not the love you so passionately declared years before.
The love you feel now is completely plutonic.
When you look into their eyes you see them for who they are.
Their faults that seemed so well hidden when you were together now stand out a 100 times over.
You can talk about the days gone by of the relationship and laugh at the good times and the bad.
You can say with such ease, ‘you have no idea how much you hurt me…you broke me for months…’ but not feel like less of a strong person.
It’s OK to admit that you hurt and that it took months to get over that experience.
And it’s OK to hear that he wishes that things had turned out differently between the two of you.
Because it brings such an unbelievable sense of closure…that you weren’t the only one with the regrets. It’s that seal of closure approval that we all want and need.
It makes you stronger because you can walk way from it…with no emotional investment except that of a friend.
There isn’t a blueprint when it comes to love and relationships; we learn by trial and error.
And that kind of emotional investment can break you…and it’s OK if it does because down the line you grow from that experience.
And you can also takes solace knowing that there is a person out there who truly does know you…it’s a comforting thought despite the fact that it takes a long time to realize it.
Take all the relationships in life for what they are…they are all learning experiences. We learn to trust, to hurt, to be broken and to survive.
That is a truth we should hold dear to our hearts.
But never be afraid to love…to reach out…to connect…because it’s what makes us human.
Death ends a life…not love; even the ones that come close to completely breaking our spirits.
Love makes us who we are. And loving someone makes us better and stronger.
In life as in love we learn to forgive but we never forget…and it’s the latter that helps us build the next relationship we start.
Because we learn so many important things about ourselves and what we expect out of a relationship.
And that is empowering.
And in the end it makes all those ‘what ifs’ fade away into the past.