Friday, January 30, 2009
But the thing was I had more than 25....
So the randomness continues.....
Here goes nothing....
2. My middle name is Rosita...my mother got the name off of a shoe box....hence my shoe addiction.
3. I started writing a book a year ago....who knows if it will ever get finished...so for the time being I just write for me.
4. When I was 25 I was at my lowest weight ever...117 pounds and a size 2....I still thought I was fat...I refused to wear a bathing suit at a staff event because I thought I was huge....if only my almost 36 year old self could go back and talk to that 25 year old with the warped body image...I would have forced her to parade around in that bikini....if that 25 year old could only see the post baby body she had to look forward too....
5. I once had to say no to my ultimate dream job...music director at The Edge in Toronto....it killed me to say no...and I was devastated and angry for a long time...but now that I look back I know that I made the right decision...that thought is echoed every time I look into my children's eyes....
6. I am actually looking forward to turning 40....as crazy as that may seem....but I have this feeling that I m going to LOVE my 40s...
7. There was one teacher who absolutely petrified me....Father Nugent at Pius....I physically felt sick every time I had to go to his math class.....only adding to my ongoing struggle with religion...despite the Catholic upbringing....
8. These teachers inspired me....Mrs Pappin [St. Rita's], Miss Kelly [Frank Ryan] and Mr. Burrows and Mrs. Vulstyke [sp?] at St. Pius X.....
9. I dated a guy on & off for almost a year and I'm pretty sure none of his friends were aware since I was never introduced to them....yet this is the guy who completely broke my heart into a million pieces....
10. I so wanted to be Molly Ringwald....I wanted to be sitting on the table across from Jake Ryan, blowing out the candles on my 16th birthday cake.....
11. I love travelling by train and staying in hotels....I really should of been a travel writer....
12. When Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street died, I cried.
13. I was sexually assaulted while at work by a co-worker [back when I was in Grade 13] and it completely & forever changed me...
14. I have seen first hand how horrible a disease Alzheimer's and dementia can be...
15. Thanks to working on-air in radio for so many years...I have perfected the 'fake laugh'....
16. I only learned how to apply liquid eyeliner [correctly] 4 months ago...
17. I wish I would of taken the time and had my Nonna [grandmother] teach me how to use a sewing machine and how to knit...
18. I am so thankful for Facebook...it re-established a number of friendships...especially one that I thought had been lost for good [and that saddened me to my core more than words can say]...burnt popcorn girl that means you....
19. I lived at home until I got married at 29...although there are times I wish I had experienced living on my own...
20. I have a 'things I must do before I die' list & a vision board....
21. When I was in high school, one Domenic Licandro, told me that I was the kid of girl guy's wanted to marry but not casually date and I swear that curse wasn't broken until I turned 21 when I got my first boyfriend....Adam Armstrong.
22. I never knew how much I like organization, order & hated clutter until I had kids....
23. I spent the first year of my son's life so consumed by the thought that I was losing who I was as a person that I missed out on the simple joy of just being a mommy.
24. I would love to produce [just once] the following two shows: The Grammy's and the Juno's...
25. I constantly have an inner dialogue going on....usually I am in the middle of an ongoing interview...I am the one being interviewed....and the soundtrack that follows me...'Bittersweet Symphony' by the Verve....
26. I am petrified of heights but I love to fly.
27. I wish I had the ability to sing.
28. In Grade 7, I faked my way through music class and almost got away with pretending to know how to play the recorder for the entire year...that was until the solo final exam...summer school for music it was....
29. Not that I ever admitted it, but back in high school I was so sad that I was never asked to either of the two proms...
30. I go through people's medicine cabinets...it's amazing how many people keep medication past their expiry date...
31. I can cook but most of the time I just choose not too...
32. I am grateful for the friends that I can so easily slip back into conversation with, like it was just the day before we had spoken, when in reality it had been a year....
33. I wish my legs were longer...hence making me taller. I am 5'1 but I wish I was 5'6.
34. Back in high school I got into a very heated argument with my sister. So much so that I ended up slapping her across the face...something i feel extremely guilty about to this day.
35. I used to over analyze things...it was exhausting so I stopped..I concluded that sometimes the question 'why' is never meant to be answered.
36. I live by many motto's....one is 'having an opinion does not equal knowledge'...
37. Because of the movie 'Under The Tuscan Sun' I have dreams of retiring to a villa in Tuscany....but then I change my mind because I could never be that far away from my friends and family...
38. I hate public speaking.
39. I cannot imagine my life without my parents in it...I am so acutely aware of their aging...and it scares me sometimes...
40. I know that my husband truly loves me and that gives me strength and immeasurable comfort.
42. I am in awe of the strength of those who face the diagnosis of an illness...that inner strength and fight is inspirational.
43. I regret not spending more time with my grandmother the last year she was alive...I always had the excuse..."next time, I'll make time, next time"...that was a hard lesson to learn that we don't always have a next time.
44. I rarely tell my sister or brother that I love them...or hug them...it was never in our sibling genetic make-up I guess....but I hope that they know they are the world to me....
45. Family truly is everything.
46. I have spent more time at CHEO this year with Isabella then I ever want to...for those parents who 'live' at CHEO i am in awe of your strength....
47. I love the fact that I have a cousin's dinner once every few months...that family reconnection is so important.
48. Many people have disappointed me, friends & family members included but I have chosen not to dwell on those disappointments.
49. I hope that during my lifetime I make a difference to the world...
50. It took until my 30s...but I am happy with me....faults and all...what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...
Monday, January 26, 2009
A friend of mine posted this on Facebook...
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Its been forever since I went to church for Confession so I figured the next best thing would be to publicly announce a sin on the world wide web...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I wrote this piece about a year ago. I totally forgot I even had it. I still like it and I figured it was worth posting.
It can be very easy to fall back into old habits; especially when the closure that you so desperately sought years before never came full circle.
You might of thought at the time that all your feelings could be neatly packed away in the depth of memories of years gone by but reality is until you get that red seal of ‘closure’ approval…those feelings are always there.
And they can resurface at any time.
So what got me thinking these deep philosophical thoughts?
A rock song, if you can believe it.
A song that was on repeat on the CD player and I listened to all afternoon.
A song, whose lyrics stopped me dead in my tracks.
It was a song that made me realize that in the end I had made the right decision; and that any thoughts of ‘what ifs’ had completely disappeared in those 3 ½ minutes of that song. [And the industry critics say that there aren’t any good songs being written any more…whatever.]
The lyrics basically talk about the whole ‘what if’ scenario that all women go through in all stages in life.
We all have that one guy, who, when we were with them everything was seen through rose colored lenses. We could see no wrong. Life was great. The relationship seemed flawless. There was an abundance of passion and raw energy. And the sex of course was mind blowing. It’s that chapter in your life where you have no inhibitions. And even though everyone around you knew it was going to end badly, you were completely oblivious.
And it wasn’t until recently that I realized why women go through this phase of relationship denial.
We have these relationships because they act as our barometer of how we never want to feel…the hurt and the inner pain that we go through is something we never want to go through again.
It makes us understand that even though you have given of yourself completely…mind, body and soul, that in the end it takes just one fleeting moment where everything changes.
That one guy who you thought was ‘the one’, the one that feels you like no one before can hurt you more that you ever thought possible. All you see is the moment of the good in the relationship and you can’t see that in a few months he will break you into a million pieces, despite the fact the signs were always there.
It’s that one moment of truth; even though you both used the words ‘I love you’, that in the end it wasn’t enough.
It takes a while to get your mind around the fact that there is someone walking around out there who knows you completely…mind, body and soul…but isn’t in your life anymore. You feel exposed…naked. You think that once a person knows who you are that intimately and that passionately, absolutely nothing can ever tear you apart.
But that is the lesson that is learned…just took me a little longer to figure it out. The tears stopped running years ago but I always had this feeling in the gut of my stomach…it was that ‘what if’ scenario that played through my head over and over again.
What if we had worked harder at the relationship?
What if he had said he was sorry sooner?
What if I had told I missed him sooner?
What if he had felt the same intensity that I had?
What if it hadn’t taken him seven years to realize that I was the one he let get away?
See how draining that experience can be?
You can literally spend all day coming with new ‘what if’ categories.
But the reality is death of relationships happen for a reason. It what makes us unique individuals…because we all walk away from these experiences with new life lessons.
We learn that it is possible to be blinded by lust and love.
We learn that relationships are meant to be broken sometimes…no matter how hard you try to keep it going.
We learn that the tears we shed and the walls we put up around of us when we get hurt helps us in our next walk down the road of love.
We learn that we do stop crying and that breathing freely again does become easier.
We learn that you can’t make someone see that they are throwing away something that comes around only a few times in one’s life.
We learn that even though we write in our diaries we wish we could turn back time and stay in the moments of pure bliss…we can’t.
We learn that walking away is hard but it does make us stronger, even if at the time you can’t see it.
We learn that walking the walk of the talk we talk in relationships is not bound by any rules.
Things in relationships are in constant flux. Sometimes you have what it takes to work it out and with others you are so drained that ending the chapter is the only thing that you can do.
But the real test is when you run into that person, years down the road.
Strange how years apart allow you to really see the situation and that person for what it really is.
All it takes is one long talk over a few cups of coffee to make you realize that is was meant to be.
Yes a part of your heart will always be occupied by him but it’s different…it’s not the love you so passionately declared years before.
The love you feel now is completely plutonic.
When you look into their eyes you see them for who they are.
Their faults that seemed so well hidden when you were together now stand out a 100 times over.
You can talk about the days gone by of the relationship and laugh at the good times and the bad.
You can say with such ease, ‘you have no idea how much you hurt me…you broke me for months…’ but not feel like less of a strong person.
It’s OK to admit that you hurt and that it took months to get over that experience.
And it’s OK to hear that he wishes that things had turned out differently between the two of you.
Because it brings such an unbelievable sense of closure…that you weren’t the only one with the regrets. It’s that seal of closure approval that we all want and need.
It makes you stronger because you can walk way from it…with no emotional investment except that of a friend.
There isn’t a blueprint when it comes to love and relationships; we learn by trial and error.
And that kind of emotional investment can break you…and it’s OK if it does because down the line you grow from that experience.
And you can also takes solace knowing that there is a person out there who truly does know you…it’s a comforting thought despite the fact that it takes a long time to realize it.
Take all the relationships in life for what they are…they are all learning experiences. We learn to trust, to hurt, to be broken and to survive.
That is a truth we should hold dear to our hearts.
But never be afraid to love…to reach out…to connect…because it’s what makes us human.
Death ends a life…not love; even the ones that come close to completely breaking our spirits.
Love makes us who we are. And loving someone makes us better and stronger.
In life as in love we learn to forgive but we never forget…and it’s the latter that helps us build the next relationship we start.
Because we learn so many important things about ourselves and what we expect out of a relationship.
And that is empowering.
And in the end it makes all those ‘what ifs’ fade away into the past.