So I finally figured out what my resolution will be for 2009. Grant it it's ten days into the new year already but the at least I figured it out.
Not that my initial resolution of 'finally listening to all the songs I downloaded from iTunes to my iPod' wasn't worthy but it lacked substance.
I wanted to do something that would affect my bottom line, help me live a better life.
And it all came about after an episode on Oprah. Yup I got caught up in her 'live your best live week' series...so sue me.
So my resolution is "Oprahfied"...and its all about the word BALANCE.
More specifically, its about me balancing all my life's roles and still finding the time for ME.
See once I became a mom of two, I found that I completely lost who I was...my sense of self disappeared into thin air, no where to be found.
Its been a never ending two steps forward, two steps back for me lately.
I feel like I'm never ahead of the game of life.
I feel like I haven't made that transition of being able to jump back and forth from the roles of mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend and just plain old me.
And its been frustrating as hell.
Tie that in with no sleep and its not been the optimum of situations.
My family doctor, after seeing her for massive headaches and tingling along my spine and left hand side of my back and left arm, asked me 'are you stressed?'
That one question opened a flood gate of tears...literally.
I knew I was stressed but I had never admitted it to anyone outside of my husband and my mom.
My doctor told me that stress plus a serious lack of regular sleep can do a number on your body. Your body fights back trying to get your attention, letting you know that you need to slow down and refocus.
I knew something had to give...eventually.
So after that one episode of watching Oprah, I finally figured out what I was doing wrong.
The key was balance and I was severely lacking it.
I always considered myself organized...when I was a working girl outside the home, it was something people could always count on. I was always on top of everything and could juggle a hundred things at once.
But the minute I became a stay at home mom, twice over, the skill vanished.
I feel like I barely have enough time to devote to my kids each and every day, and time for my husband seems non existent and then forget about 'me' time.
Maybe its a guilt thing that I need to overcome. I feel when I take those precious hours to go get my hair done, or pamper myself with a little shopping or get a pedicure I feel overwhelming guilt. All I can think of is I could have spent that time with my kids or my husband. And right then and there the whole purpose of taking time for me to revive, relax and just breathe is gone in an instant.
But I see now that if I don't have that balance then I'm never going to be happy.
Its going to be a tough year with a lot of work to achieve this nirvana state of balance but its something I need.
I miss me. Just plain, old, free-spirited me.
I love being a mom and I love being a wife. I do....but I have to get that old me back.
If you see her around, tell her I'm looking for her...and one day we'll reconnect.
That's my promise to her...to me... for 2009.
And its a resolution I intend to keep.