randomness continued

So I guess I have a lot to reveal...

The randomness continues again...

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51. I clearly remember being bullied once, in Grade 4: I was walking home from school, Tony Campagna came up behind me and shoved my face in the snow for what seemed an eternity...I kicked and screamed and I thought I was going to die...he finally lifted his hand off my head and walked away without saying a word...[and for the record Mr. Campagna I did not tell Mrs. McKewan that you had a Playboy magazine in your school bag...]

52. To this day I regret not going to my friend Melissa's, father's funeral.

53. I no longer question my parenting skills on a daily basis...some days are just shitty from the minute we wake up, yes I still feel guilty when I yell at Matteo but it happens...and it doesn't make me a bad parent...

54. I wish I had a better relationship with my in-laws but they can't change who they are and I can't change who I am.

55. I am getting better at asking for help...I always thought it was a sign of weakness....

56. I hate labels...no one person can fit into a single mould...we are all a random blend of this and that...

57. Eventually I would like to go back and finish my second University degree in Sociology....just because....

58. If nothing else I hope I instill in my children at a very young age a love of words and books...because the whole world is open to them when they read....

59. The death of Andrew Segrue changed me...that was a very real lesson in mortality and that just because we are young we are not invincible...

60. When I was in high school...I was told by someone that I 'wasn't Italian enough'...that passing comment bothered me for a very long time.

61. On two occasions I had to be the bearer of bad news to family members [when my Nonna and Nonno died] and I hated having that role...

62. I wish I could erase my mother's anger and pain but I can't...I can only love her and be there for her when she needs to vent.

63. My mother gave up her life for almost 7 years to care for my Nonna and Nonno....I doubt I would have had the strength to do the same.

64. I wish more people got it but you truly don't realize what you have until it's gone.

65. Admitting you're wrong is one of the hardest things to do....but doing it can change so much...for the better.

66. I try to live by the 'unconditional love' mantra...but I find it hard sometimes...

67. I wish I could have done more for one of my cousins...but it was such a crazy time and I was young too...but I do feel like she fell through the 'family' cracks and that has always bothered me to this day...

68. I am open to the idea that one day religion will find me again but right now it's hazy at best...

69. I really should invest in a library card because I do indulge in the buying books thing way too much [even though they are always on sale when I do buy them]

70. I hated going to organized playgroups with other mom's...I'm not sure why but I did...I much preferred doing the 'going for a visit to a friend's house for lunch' and our kids just happened to be part of the equation....

71. I love watching 'end of the world' or 'world on the verge of ending' based movies....not sure why but I do....

72. Since I became a mom I realize the value of 'me time'...

73. Music is my island of sanity...

74. I try to make it a point to learn something new every day...

75. I read the obituary section in the newspaper on a daily basis...

76. I love when my husband holds my hand...

77. My heart melts every time Matteo says he loves me...

78. Yes its a cliche but being a mommy is the hardest job I have ever done...

79. When I'm downtown I always make it a point to have spare change in my pocket just in case I get asked by a homeless person....

80. I don't think I've reached my potential yet...not sure what it is but I'm not there yet...not even remotely...

81. I think every woman in their 20s should see the movie 'Real Women Have Curves' with America Ferrera...

82. Mean what you say and say what you mean or don't even bother...

83. I really and truly thought I was going to marry an Italian boy and not a Jewish kid from Montreal...

84. To this day I wonder why, after I graduated from high school, Patrick Major came to the Bay [where I worked] asking for me...left his name but never a message....

85. My husband and I have a 'don't go to bed angry with each other' policy sometimes it works, sometimes not so much...

86. It seems to happen so much lately, that I am no longer shocked when I hear someone is getting a divorce...how sad is that?

87. I used to be so concerned with what people thought of me....it took having two children but now I don't...I am who I am, take it or leave it.

88. My work ethic is attributed to my parents...they worked hard for everything they had...nothing was handed to them on a silver platter and nor do they expect things to happen that way...and for that I thank them.

89. If I won the lotto...one of the first things I'd do is knock down my parent's house and build them a new one...something that would include my mom's dream kitchen...

90. I've learned that while it's good to have expectations you have to accept that sometimes the packaging isn't what you expected...

91. I hope that I inherited my mom's 'i look 10 years younger than I actually am' genetic composition...

92. I admit that I brought my Bambi stuffed toy [from when I was on a kid] on my honeymoon and he slept with me for the first 6 months I was married....my husband is thrilled that Bambi is now on a shelf in the basement...

93. To this day I can't believe that I had very little contact with a certain neighbour and it took us moving to become good friends...funny how things work in life...

94. I was once told by a ballet examiner that I would never be a ballerina because I had the completely wrong body type...she called me stumpy to my face...no word of a lie...I hated taking ballet classes from that day on but kept doing it because my mom loved ballet so much.

95. I have kept all the conversations with my husband's Bubby Sadie to myself...she told me things in confidence and its a promise to her that I plan on never breaking.

96. For one month in Grade 10 I ran a side 'parent's signature forgery' business...it was a dollar a signature...I made $30.00

97. I am OK with writing certain people off in my life [and yes that includes family]...I honestly don't have the time or place for negativity and bullshit in my life...

98. Sometimes I am jealous of the bond between my brother and sister...

99. I am truly thankful for all that I have in my life.

100. I am blessed in so many ways.

25 random things continued....

This purging of the soul all started on Facebook.

The Rules are: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

But the thing was I had more than 25....
So the randomness continues.....
Here goes nothing....
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1. I wish I would of travelled more on my own before I got married and had kids. The only travel credits to my name: 2 road trips to Boston & NYC and the Cancun SPX Grad Trip back in '92...I wish I had seen more of the world...I envy those who have had that opportunity. It's one of my regrets in life.

2. My middle name is Rosita...my mother got the name off of a shoe box....hence my shoe addiction.

3. I started writing a book a year ago....who knows if it will ever get finished...so for the time being I just write for me.

4. When I was 25 I was at my lowest weight ever...117 pounds and a size 2....I still thought I was fat...I refused to wear a bathing suit at a staff event because I thought I was huge....if only my almost 36 year old self could go back and talk to that 25 year old with the warped body image...I would have forced her to parade around in that bikini....if that 25 year old could only see the post baby body she had to look forward too....

5. I once had to say no to my ultimate dream job...music director at The Edge in Toronto....it killed me to say no...and I was devastated and angry for a long time...but now that I look back I know that I made the right decision...that thought is echoed every time I look into my children's eyes....

6. I am actually looking forward to turning 40....as crazy as that may seem....but I have this feeling that I m going to LOVE my 40s...

7. There was one teacher who absolutely petrified me....Father Nugent at Pius....I physically felt sick every time I had to go to his math class.....only adding to my ongoing struggle with religion...despite the Catholic upbringing....

8. These teachers inspired me....Mrs Pappin [St. Rita's], Miss Kelly [Frank Ryan] and Mr. Burrows and Mrs. Vulstyke [sp?] at St. Pius X.....

9. I dated a guy on & off for almost a year and I'm pretty sure none of his friends were aware since I was never introduced to them....yet this is the guy who completely broke my heart into a million pieces....

10. I so wanted to be Molly Ringwald....I wanted to be sitting on the table across from Jake Ryan, blowing out the candles on my 16th birthday cake.....

11. I love travelling by train and staying in hotels....I really should of been a travel writer....

12. When Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street died, I cried.

13. I was sexually assaulted while at work by a co-worker [back when I was in Grade 13] and it completely & forever changed me...

14. I have seen first hand how horrible a disease Alzheimer's and dementia can be...

15. Thanks to working on-air in radio for so many years...I have perfected the 'fake laugh'....

16. I only learned how to apply liquid eyeliner [correctly] 4 months ago...

17. I wish I would of taken the time and had my Nonna [grandmother] teach me how to use a sewing machine and how to knit...

18. I am so thankful for Facebook...it re-established a number of friendships...especially one that I thought had been lost for good [and that saddened me to my core more than words can say]...burnt popcorn girl that means you....

19. I lived at home until I got married at 29...although there are times I wish I had experienced living on my own...

20. I have a 'things I must do before I die' list & a vision board....

21. When I was in high school, one Domenic Licandro, told me that I was the kid of girl guy's wanted to marry but not casually date and I swear that curse wasn't broken until I turned 21 when I got my first boyfriend....Adam Armstrong.

22. I never knew how much I like organization, order & hated clutter until I had kids....

23. I spent the first year of my son's life so consumed by the thought that I was losing who I was as a person that I missed out on the simple joy of just being a mommy.

24. I would love to produce [just once] the following two shows: The Grammy's and the Juno's...

25. I constantly have an inner dialogue going on....usually I am in the middle of an ongoing interview...I am the one being interviewed....and the soundtrack that follows me...'Bittersweet Symphony' by the Verve....

26. I am petrified of heights but I love to fly.

27. I wish I had the ability to sing.

28. In Grade 7, I faked my way through music class and almost got away with pretending to know how to play the recorder for the entire year...that was until the solo final exam...summer school for music it was....

29. Not that I ever admitted it, but back in high school I was so sad that I was never asked to either of the two proms...

30. I go through people's medicine cabinets...it's amazing how many people keep medication past their expiry date...

31. I can cook but most of the time I just choose not too...

32. I am grateful for the friends that I can so easily slip back into conversation with, like it was just the day before we had spoken, when in reality it had been a year....

33. I wish my legs were longer...hence making me taller. I am 5'1 but I wish I was 5'6.

34. Back in high school I got into a very heated argument with my sister. So much so that I ended up slapping her across the face...something i feel extremely guilty about to this day.

35. I used to over analyze things...it was exhausting so I stopped..I concluded that sometimes the question 'why' is never meant to be answered.

36. I live by many motto's....one is 'having an opinion does not equal knowledge'...

37. Because of the movie 'Under The Tuscan Sun' I have dreams of retiring to a villa in Tuscany....but then I change my mind because I could never be that far away from my friends and family...

38. I hate public speaking.

39. I cannot imagine my life without my parents in it...I am so acutely aware of their aging...and it scares me sometimes...

40. I know that my husband truly loves me and that gives me strength and immeasurable comfort.

41. I am in awe every day of single parents who must do it on their own.

42. I am in awe of the strength of those who face the diagnosis of an illness...that inner strength and fight is inspirational.

43. I regret not spending more time with my grandmother the last year she was alive...I always had the excuse..."next time, I'll make time, next time"...that was a hard lesson to learn that we don't always have a next time.

44. I rarely tell my sister or brother that I love them...or hug them...it was never in our sibling genetic make-up I guess....but I hope that they know they are the world to me....

45. Family truly is everything.

46. I have spent more time at CHEO this year with Isabella then I ever want to...for those parents who 'live' at CHEO i am in awe of your strength....

47. I love the fact that I have a cousin's dinner once every few months...that family reconnection is so important.

48. Many people have disappointed me, friends & family members included but I have chosen not to dwell on those disappointments.

49. I hope that during my lifetime I make a difference to the world...

50. It took until my 30s...but I am happy with me....faults and all...what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger...

Friendship...

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook...

It's about 5 minutes long but so worth watching it.

It's called Transcending: Words on Women and Strength by Kelly Corrigan.

Kelly is a cancer survivor and she wrote a memoir about her experience.

This piece from YouTube is an essay about the remarkable capacity that we have as women to support each other, laugh with one another and endure each other's pain and share in our total moments of happiness...

Because that's what friendships and more importantly girlfriends are for...

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=u_4qwVLqt9Q

My confession...23 years later

Its been forever since I went to church for Confession so I figured the next best thing would be to publicly announce a sin on the world wide web...

So what brought on this desire to free my tainted soul and purge?

Well my son Matteo 'lifted' his very first thing last night [yes I am one proud Momma...and yes sarcasm is intended] when he went to go pick up the pizza with daddy for 'hockey watching guy's night'.

Now in his defense he is not yet three and the 'pizza man' did give his some free chocolates from the mini convenient store inside the restaurant.

So Matteo, like any kid his age, assumed that all the candy in the store was free.

So on their way out the door he pocketed a pack of gum.

[yes the gum was returned once daddy discovered that 'sticky hands' had made off with unpaid merchandise] 

So this brings me to my confession.

I once shoplifted too....well only a 'half a shoplift' really.

Let me explain.

It was back in 1986,  I was 13 years old and I loved Corey Hart.

[Let me correct that...I LOVED, LOVED Corey Hart]

And my favourite song ('I Am By Your Side') had just been released  and I thought Mr. Hart looked totally super cute on the cover of the 7 " single.

Now I already had the album so I didn't need the record; I just wanted the jacket cover to the single.

So on a shopping trip to Woolco's with my mom I made my way over to the music section and proceeded to shoplift the album jacket to the aforementioned 7" single [I left the actual record in the store...cleverly hidden behind the Bananarama album.]

The offending album cover is still in my possession today neatly tucked away in my Corey Hart scrapbook.

So there.

I shoplifted and I truly never felt bad about because I managed to convince myself, that what I had done was OK because I really did love Corey (and of course we were were going to get married one day so it really didn't matter in the great scheme of things).

So I guess Matteo lifting the gum was kind of like Karma kicking me in the ass...I paid for what I did by having my son repeating my "badness".

But at least this time around Matteo is truly sorry for what he did.

In his words..."Mommy first we pay then we can leave the store cause if you don't you go to jail."

There my Mommy work is done.

*and for the record Corey Hart really did look hot on that album cover.

  

Walk the walk of the talk we talk

I wrote this piece about a year ago. I totally forgot I even had it. I still like it and I figured it was worth posting.

----------------------------------------------------

It can be very easy to fall back into old habits; especially when the closure that you so desperately sought years before never came full circle.

You might of thought at the time that all your feelings could be neatly packed away in the depth of memories of years gone by but reality is until you get that red seal of ‘closure’ approval…those feelings are always there.

And they can resurface at any time.

So what got me thinking these deep philosophical thoughts?

A rock song, if you can believe it.

A song that was on repeat on the CD player and I listened to all afternoon.

A song, whose lyrics stopped me dead in my tracks.

It was a song that made me realize that in the end I had made the right decision; and that any thoughts of ‘what ifs’ had completely disappeared in those 3 ½ minutes of that song. [And the industry critics say that there aren’t any good songs being written any more…whatever.]

The lyrics basically talk about the whole ‘what if’ scenario that all women go through in all stages in life.

We all have that one guy, who, when we were with them everything was seen through rose colored lenses. We could see no wrong. Life was great. The relationship seemed flawless. There was an abundance of passion and raw energy. And the sex of course was mind blowing. It’s that chapter in your life where you have no inhibitions. And even though everyone around you knew it was going to end badly, you were completely oblivious.

And it wasn’t until recently that I realized why women go through this phase of relationship denial.

We have these relationships because they act as our barometer of how we never want to feel…the hurt and the inner pain that we go through is something we never want to go through again.

It makes us understand that even though you have given of yourself completely…mind, body and soul, that in the end it takes just one fleeting moment where everything changes.

That one guy who you thought was ‘the one’, the one that feels you like no one before can hurt you more that you ever thought possible. All you see is the moment of the good in the relationship and you can’t see that in a few months he will break you into a million pieces, despite the fact the signs were always there.

It’s that one moment of truth; even though you both used the words ‘I love you’, that in the end it wasn’t enough.

It takes a while to get your mind around the fact that there is someone walking around out there who knows you completely…mind, body and soul…but isn’t in your life anymore. You feel exposed…naked. You think that once a person knows who you are that intimately and that passionately, absolutely nothing can ever tear you apart.

But that is the lesson that is learned…just took me a little longer to figure it out. The tears stopped running years ago but I always had this feeling in the gut of my stomach…it was that ‘what if’ scenario that played through my head over and over again.

What if we had worked harder at the relationship?

What if he had said he was sorry sooner?

What if I had told I missed him sooner?

What if he had felt the same intensity that I had?

What if it hadn’t taken him seven years to realize that I was the one he let get away?

See how draining that experience can be?

You can literally spend all day coming with new ‘what if’ categories.

But the reality is death of relationships happen for a reason. It what makes us unique individuals…because we all walk away from these experiences with new life lessons.

We learn that it is possible to be blinded by lust and love.

We learn that relationships are meant to be broken sometimes…no matter how hard you try to keep it going.

We learn that the tears we shed and the walls we put up around of us when we get hurt helps us in our next walk down the road of love.

We learn that we do stop crying and that breathing freely again does become easier.

We learn that you can’t make someone see that they are throwing away something that comes around only a few times in one’s life.

We learn that even though we write in our diaries we wish we could turn back time and stay in the moments of pure bliss…we can’t.

We learn that walking away is hard but it does make us stronger, even if at the time you can’t see it.

We learn that walking the walk of the talk we talk in relationships is not bound by any rules.

Things in relationships are in constant flux. Sometimes you have what it takes to work it out and with others you are so drained that ending the chapter is the only thing that you can do.

But the real test is when you run into that person, years down the road.

Strange how years apart allow you to really see the situation and that person for what it really is.

All it takes is one long talk over a few cups of coffee to make you realize that is was meant to be.

Yes a part of your heart will always be occupied by him but it’s different…it’s not the love you so passionately declared years before.

The love you feel now is completely plutonic.

When you look into their eyes you see them for who they are.

Their faults that seemed so well hidden when you were together now stand out a 100 times over.

You can talk about the days gone by of the relationship and laugh at the good times and the bad.

You can say with such ease, ‘you have no idea how much you hurt me…you broke me for months…’ but not feel like less of a strong person.

It’s OK to admit that you hurt and that it took months to get over that experience.

And it’s OK to hear that he wishes that things had turned out differently between the two of you.

Why?

Because it brings such an unbelievable sense of closure…that you weren’t the only one with the regrets. It’s that seal of closure approval that we all want and need.

It makes you stronger because you can walk way from it…with no emotional investment except that of a friend.

There isn’t a blueprint when it comes to love and relationships; we learn by trial and error.

And that kind of emotional investment can break you…and it’s OK if it does because down the line you grow from that experience.

And you can also takes solace knowing that there is a person out there who truly does know you…it’s a comforting thought despite the fact that it takes a long time to realize it.

Take all the relationships in life for what they are…they are all learning experiences. We learn to trust, to hurt, to be broken and to survive.

That is a truth we should hold dear to our hearts.

But never be afraid to love…to reach out…to connect…because it’s what makes us human.

Death ends a life…not love; even the ones that come close to completely breaking our spirits.

Love makes us who we are. And loving someone makes us better and stronger.

In life as in love we learn to forgive but we never forget…and it’s the latter that helps us build the next relationship we start.

Because we learn so many important things about ourselves and what we expect out of a relationship.

And that is empowering.

And in the end it makes all those ‘what ifs’ fade away into the past.