Dear Museum Directors, This Mommy loathes museum gift shops in general, especially the ones with the huge LEGO displays geared directly towards 4 year olds who just LOVE Lego and don't understand why bad. mean, terrible, unfair Mommy won't buy him some.
For the record they're recipes for monumental tantrums. Trust me, your staff and your paying museum visitors loathe them as much as I do. The rolling of the eyes and looks of sympathy, disgust and exasperation said it all to me yesterday when my son went into total meltdown. I'm surprised his screams didn't set off the sensitive museum alarms.
I get that museum gift shops play a key role in keeping admission prices low...but trust me I'd fork over an extra $2 per admission fee just to avoid the museum drama that took place 24 hours ago.
Could you please consider moving gift shops away from entrances...please?
Tonight while doing the 'cuddle-time' after reading his three books, my 3 1/2 year old was silent for a bit and then he turned to me and said...
'Mommy it makes me sad really on the inside when I yell and scream and stomp my feet and say bad things. It does it makes me sad. But I think I do that because I don't like it when people say 'No' to me. Maybe one day I will be OK with the word 'No' but for now I hate it. So I think I'm going to still have tantrums. I'm sorry Mommy. But you still love me right?'
The kiddlets and husband are finally asleep... but of course Mommy is dealing with another unexpected date with Mr. Insomnia.
Bastard.
But I'm enjoying the hum of the computer...it's hypnotic and soothing.
A sharp contrast to the meltdown courtesy of my three and a half year old son less than three hours ago. Oddly enough just the other day my husband and I were rejoicing in the thought that my son's tantrum days were finally behind us. Needless to say that celebration was short lived.
Oh my son very much confirmed that he still has quite a few more full out meltdowns in store for us...and if tonight's 20 minute episode was any indication, I weep at the arrival of his fourth birthday in February. I think I'm getting why some parents refer to this age as the "f&^%$ fours".
As I watched my son go full throttle tonight I was so aware of the dichotomy that was the three and a half year old standing in front of me shouting and screaming...
When you strip everything down my son is really two polar opposite people in one little body who's trying to figure and make sense of the world.
One one hand he is so much older than the date on his birth certificate would lead you to believe.
My son is so book savvy...really this isn't just mommy pride talking. He's always been a such a 'little man'...so wise and so smart. He loves being challenged and learning new things. He's all about the discovery and absorbing the world around him. He's a sponge that is always on the go. He constantly asks questions and wants answers to all his what, where, why and hows.
He also has a memory that amazes me...he doesn't forget anything. Read him a book twice and he practically has it memorized. He can recall the events and conversations from a year ago with amazing accuracy and detail...
And in speaking to him you totally forget he's only three and a half. He is a little social butterfly in the making. He has an amazing grasp of language and has a vocabulary that seems to go beyond his age. He's witty and so funny.
But then there's his other side. The preschooler that thrives on routine and order. He is loud, non stop and can be totally unreasonable. He's a three and a half year old who can't relate to kids his own age because he's around adults all the time.
He's the three and a half year old that hates to be told no. He doesn't like to wait and he lacks patience...it's now or never. He's the boy who gets swamped in an emotional tunnel vision when he doesn't get his way...
He gets angry. He has these incredible lows. And for all his book smarts he gets so visibly frustrated when he can't explain exactly what he's feeling or what he wants and let's us not forget the fact that Mommy and Daddy can't miraculously read his mind.
So on the other hand he's just your typical, normal kid his age.
As I watched and experienced the meltdown tonight I saw a lot of myself as a child in my son. My mom says we are the exact same in that sense...we have the same highs and lows. We have this threshold and when it's reached we go full out drama. No reasoning will calm us down...we just have to play it out until there is nothing left to 'let out'.
Maybe it's karma kicking me in the ass...who knows.
Finally it all ended as it always does with tears and proclamations of 'I'm sorry' and promises of no more tantrums and yelling ever again. And kisses lots of hugs and kisses.
He wanted to hug and cuddle so we did, because as my son whispered into my ear...'I love you so very much. You're my best friend in the whole world. This is the best part of your day, when I'm in your arms...right Mommy? .'
Yes, yes it is.
Because in the end when all is said and done, you have no choice but to ride out these waves of highs and lows that is the DNA make-up of the 'preschooler'.
It all ends eventually and only to have something else replace it.
Oh the teenage years are going to be so choice aren't they?
Today I took a trip to Chapter's to decompress as it were and I found myself in the toddler/preschool parent help aisle with other bleary eyed parents looking for anything that would magically give me a solution to help me deal with the monumental tantrum bender that my three and a half year has been on for the last five days.
When he goes into these complete meltdowns he is barely the child I know and love. He yells, screams, throws things, hits, says 'i hate you', 'i don't love you','get out', 'go away' and I am left with the feeling that I have utterly failed as a parent. I know all the experts say don't take it personally but I'm not a robot and words do hurt even when being hurled at you in the throws of a preschool aged tantrum.
The only quote I can away with today that I totally related to was 'I feel like I was a more successful parent before I had children.' [forgive me I can't remember where the quote came from...I went through a lot of books today]. It's true I do. I thought the 'terrible two' were hard but the 3's and 4's are going to kill me I think [OK not literally but you get my overly dramatic point].
I know most parents go though this and for those who don't have kids with any behaviour/temperament issues then I raise a glass of Baby Duck to you. I envy you, even if I think you're lying about your perfectly behaved child [see I have become so damn jaded].
So I'm at a loss. Is it just a spirited child who just doesn't like the word 'no' or is it something more?
I have read everything from give your child Omega 3/fish oil capsules to homeopathic syrups that calm even the most agitated child. Is a change in diet needed? Is it an allergy? Should I ban all sugar from his diet? No ice cream, no chocolate?
I guess I am finding it hard to balance the reality that he is just acting like a normal kid his age to my mind reeling with information overload that there is something not all kosher with the situation. And that scares me...like anxiety/panic attacks scares me.
I've cried more in these last three months than I have since he was born...I guess this is part of my personality that thrives on order and the well mastered plan. And I just can't wrap my head around the fact that parenting is far from a well mastered plan. Every kid is different as is every 'solution'. What works for kid A does not necessarily work for kid B. So no blanket solution, no magic pill.
As I write this my three and a half year old is serving out the end of his day long punishment by going to bed without having his bedtime books read to him by me...and it's killing me. I freely admit that...the follow through is the worst of it for me. And today I followed through on everything...I took toys away, the TV shows and computer time. And I feel like a total ass for doing it. But I also no that empty threats are the worst.
So will he hate me tomorrow? Will he resent me? Probably.
But it's a clean slate.
At least that is something to look forward to in the never ending drama that is the preschool years. Right?
I must admit I don't follow too many of the nouveau age parenting skills...ie: the get down to eye level of a preschooler in the midst of a full out tantrum and ask him to discuss his feelings...'Why are you angry? Why are you upset? Let's talk about why your feeling like this?' philosophy.
I'm more of a 'you can scream it out all you want in the comfort of your own room' parenting follower, which is a slight improvement from my dad's back in the day 'so help you if I get to number three and you have yet to stop screaming and crying'. His parenting methodology always worked like a charm. For the record, my dad never got past one and on those really test the limits I'd let my dad get to two but never past two. Must of been that Italian old school upbringing of my dad's and I have to say I turned out pretty well.
But back to the year 2009....
I have discovered that if I start a sentence with any of these conversation starters with my little dramatic preschooler I am at best completely screwed. These words will guarantee that I will be waving the white flag. My little guy may be only 3 and a half but I swear the kid knows how to wear me out...
So here are those tread lightly and use with extreme caution conversation starters...
"In five minutes OK pumpkin...Mommy just needs five minutes to finish what I am doing, then we can do whatever it is you so desperately want to do."
"Pumpkin not now Mommy is on the phone..."
"Pumpkin let's try and keep really quiet. Remember, who is trying to sleep right now?"
"Pumpkin tomorrow, I promise we'll do that tomorrow."
"Pumpkin I don't care how loud you yell the answer is no." [this one usually takes place in the grocery store]
"Pumpkin we're going to have some quiet time right now because Mommy doesn't feel very well/has a headache."
"Pumpkin Mommy wants to watch her TV show right now OK..."
I never ever, ever should have turned the radio on this morning.
I should have just left the TV on and grooved to the musical numbers from the Backyardigans on Treehouse.
Instead, I randomly selected a radio station and the first song I heard was Guns 'N Roses 'Welcome To The Jungle'.
Now normally I crank up this song when I hear it....but his morning I just had this bad feeling about it....it was like a premonition of what was to come.
And I was right in my musically based fears. The damn song was my fate for the remainder of the day. The song followed me around EVERYWHERE. And it wasn't a good thing [no offence to Axl Rose and company]
Damn those music gods.
It was like that song switched on the 'full moon crisis mode' in both of my children. Non &^^%%$# stop since they woke up. One meltdown after another. When one crisis was resolved another was one brewing, waiting to explode.
And then Mummy reached her 'that's it I've had it' point. That happened when Matteo pushed Isabella into the row of toy bins in his room. [He's had the 'don't push your baby sister' lecture more times that I can count] So I took Isabella to her room and told Matteo he was having a nap whether he liked it or not [and he didn't...the kid hasn't napped since he was 15 months old...yes I have a slight hate-on for parents whose kids nap, but I digress] and I closed the door and walked away.
According to my calculations, crying fit #145 of the day took place. Matteo kept getting out of his bed, would kick his door and tell me that he was going to hit me because he was so mad. I just kept marching back in, kept repeating that he was being punished for continuously pushing his sister around and he was going to lie down on his bed until I told him he could get up. Eventually, after 22 long minutes of the back and forth routine, he finally fell asleep.
And I felt like shit. Damn the guilt. I hate being the hard ass. Even though it seems to be my role more often than not. I felt bad for coming down on Matteo, when in his defence I couldn't really blame him. He's a such a good kid at heart but his sister annoys him on a daily basis. And like any adult, he has a breaking point too.
See his sister Isabella is one VERY determined 1 year old girl. She hard headed, very emotional and clearly loves and adores her brother. And the only way she can show how much she loves him is to be around him as often as she can and that includes doing EVERYTHING that he's doing all the time. What Matteo is eating she wants. What Matteo is playing with she wants. What Matteo is reading she wants.
Truth is Matteo can never get a moment to himself. And forget about getting cuddling alone time with Mummy and Daddy That alone can send Isabella into a screaming tantrum. She may be only one but she's clearly has the attitude of a girl going on 15. So help me when she hits those teenage years. If nothing else, she's 100% confirmed that my husband and I are done having children. She is, at times, 3 kids rolled into one.
I know that one day Matteo will be Isabella's biggest defender and protector. He will ease into that big brother role and Isabella, like any younger sister does, will love him and hate him all that the same time for constantly watching out for her. I know that time will come. But for now his 3 year old mind only sees her as the baby sister that bugs him everyday and never leaves him alone.
After 30 minutes I went back into Matteo's room to wake him up. It was his first real nap in almost 2 years. The first thing he did when he opened his big, beautiful brown eyes was get up and give me the biggest bear hug and he say 'Mommy, I love you so much...I am so sorry I got mad at Isabella...I won't be mad at her anymore, I love you so much Mommy...more than anything in the whole world....just hug me for a little bit, it'll make me feel better." And I did and my heart melted a thousand times over.
For it was in that one moment that I knew why we have kids and we willingly endure all those tantrums and days from hell. Because you know that your children have this unconditional love for you and you really are the most important things to them [teddy not included]..... That is until the parental coolness factor starts to lose its luster. But until then, it truly is the greatest feeling in the world.
And the beauty was, it almost made me forget the completely crappy 'welcome to the jungle' day from hell that this mummy was having. But tomorrow morning the radio stays off....Backyardigans it is.
