Are you kidding me right now?

I was left a lovely note by our local sanitation engineer [that's what they like to be called right? I am so not up to speed on what the correct PC term is for trash collector] this morning...
I woke up and found that my husband had not taken out the garbage before work...by the time I got the kids fed it was a little before 9AM before I got the trash and recycling to the curb.
As I was taking things out I saw that the city garbage truck was pulling up to the corner so I quickly got everything to the curb before they started collecting....
When I went to retrieve the recycle bin I was left with a note saying that the next time my trash and recycling was not at the curb before 7AM it would not be picked up...this my first and final warning.
You are kidding me right?
How would they know if it was out before 7AM if they aren't usually there until well after 9AM on most weeks?
Thank you very much City Hall....but I pay my taxes and don't need you to tell me when to put out my trash....that is micro managing to the extreme.
Asses.

Randomness.....

The week that was....

1. My son's current obsession, other than his blocks and cars, is the TV show 'Max & Ruby'....please, please make an episode that shows the parents. It annoys me to no end that the parents are never around...also can we tone down how annoying Ruby is? All she does is nag...her way or the highway....

2. Crapolicious. That's what ANTM has become...so bad that I can't stop watching it....a new drinking game is to take a shot each time Ms Tyra references herself in the show....she can take any situation and bring it back to herself...love it...and I love when she gets super bitchy when a contestant can't name a high profile model...

3. My son found a tampon in my bathroom this week and used it as he put it 'as a really big Qtip to clean his oversized teddy bear's ears...' good god...although it would make for an interesting campaign for Tampax....

4. Could someone please create a toddler's fever medicine that is flavourless...all I can ever find is super sickening sweet grape, cherry and fruit punch flavours...all which my son loathes....

5. I finally found a yogurt that is made with whole milk, doesn't contain artificial sweetners, low in sugar, tastes great and doesn't have that prebiotic crap that gives toddlers an upset stomach....its L'il Ones Yogurt from Dairyland.....

6. Was so happy that Brit Brit walked away with some moonmen at the MTV Video Awards this week...nice to know that MTV celebrates and honours those who led a completely f-ed up life over the course of the last year...see it pays to go crazy and fall off the deep end....lets see how long her 'normal Britney state of mind' lasts.....

Apparently your genes are to blame.

So I was getting ready to enjoy my hot steaming cup of caramel flavoured coffee when from across the kitchen table my husband says “So according to the paper you women are programmed to cheat…apparently your genes are to blame.” Talk about being sucker punched at 9AM in the morning without even having my first caffeine fix. With that said, so much for thinking it was going to be a quiet Sunday morning.
“What are you talking about?” I replied. [Note: at this point I had hoped that a story in the sports section would grab my husband’s attention and change the subject altogether but no such luck] “Here look for yourself,” he smiled as he handed me over the front page of the paper. And there it was in bold, black letters, the title that would have me thinking all day, “Women programmed to cheat, scientists find”. The article went on to say that a new study on twins by the St. Thomas Hospital in London found that women can blame their genes for any urges they might experience when it comes to marital infidelity. The doctor’s claimed it was part of our “evolution” as a sex. [Note: this might make for the first time that the journal ‘Twins Research’ makes it on to the best sellers list thanks to married women everywhere]
A mind blowing read for a Sunday morning don’t you think?
After the ‘oh wow’ effect wore off plus the caffeine high from two additional cups of coffee, a thought came to mind [OK more than just one]. Could this mean in future, that at any given divorce procedure in any given courtroom, a woman could be excused for her infidelities? I mean if it’s in her genes, and she’s programmed to cheat, how could an extramarital affair possibly be held against her? It would be a hard case to fight even for the best lawyers. Could this be a start of newly implemented ‘get of jail free card’ for cheating women everywhere? Like the Michael Jackson song goes ‘It’s human nature” and we can’t possibly be blamed for something that’s instinctual, right? [Note: To all the divorce lawyers…have fun with that new development]. Who knew that cheating could be deemed a basic necessity for some women?
Then I started thinking, if some women can’t help but cheat why do they get married in the first place? I mean if you know you’re prone to the look and lots of touching after the ‘I do’s’ why not just pull a ‘Samantha Jones’ from Sex In The City and stay very single and have fun whenever and with whomever you want without the guilt? [And according to all the episodes I’ve seen of Sex In The City it’s quite the exciting life with a lot of hot available and willing men]. I mean really, why go through all the drama of preparing for a wedding day only to end up with a very expensive divorce lawyer diving up all your ‘stuff’ into two equal or not so equal parts?
Maybe it’s because these ‘I can’t help but cheat’ women are missing one important thing: the marriage gene. It’s that much needed chromosome that keeps women faithful, for better or for worse. Or if nothing else, it’s that one thing that makes them understand that after you say your ‘I do’s’, you can still keep looking all you want [I mean we are only human], but honey you can’t touch, no matter how tempting the offer may appear.
And trust me, we married women look.
That’s another of the many reasons why women value their friendships so much. It’s all about being out with the girls and all of you noticing that hot, young waiter and praying that he’s going to serve your table. It’s about going out to watch a movie about firefighters on a Friday with the girls just because of the hot cast leading Hollywood men and not caring that at the end of the credits your eyes are puffy and red from crying and mascara is all over your face, because in the end it was all worth seeing so-and-so without his shirt on the big screen. It’s about sharing with your girlfriends that at a function the night before with your husband, a very handsome guy flirted with you and you were thrilled just to know that ‘you still had it going on’. [Note: It’s always worth splurging on that to die for little black dress]
So yes, married women look. Sue us. That’s one of the ties that bind us together. The other is knowing that when all is said and done; you’re going home to someone who loves you more than anything in the world [cast of ‘Desperate Housewives’, car, plasma TV and sports team excluded].
So for those of us with the marriage gene, why do we get married and then stay married? I asked some of my married friends and they all pretty much had the same type of answer. It’s all about love, family and security. It’s all about knowing that you’ve met your soul-mate; the person you were meant to spend the rest of your life with. It’s knowing that you’ve found the ‘one’ for you.
It’s more than just the reality that your significant other is ‘legally required’ to be there in the morning. It’s knowing that all it takes is one smile, one hug, one look, or one kiss to make you forget that you just had one of the worst days of your life. It’s about having those inside jokes that can set off a laughing fit in the middle of the aisle at the local grocery store. It’s all about that perfect Saturday night, snuggling together on the couch under that big warm blanket with every intention of watching the Godfather: Part 1, only to fall asleep in each others arms an hour into the movie. It’s about being able to see someone from across the room at a crowded party and knowing exactly what they are thinking without having to say a word. It’s about being able to spend an entire lazy Sunday in bed watching really bad infomercials. It’s knowing that there is one person out there that really knows who you are, mind, body and soul and loves you unconditionally despite all your flaws. And it’s knowing, that when that one person says those three magic words ‘I love you’, that in the end that’s all matters.
Marriage is something special. And for those of us that have found the ‘one’…it’s an amazing time in your life. Now I’m not saying that marriage is this stress free and problem free arrangement because it’s not even at the best of times. To make a marriage you have to work at it. But for those of us who have that marriage gene know that a marriage is worth having and keeping.
It’s that instinctual part of us that keeps us together with that one chosen person, ‘till death do us part.” And it’s the thing that’s in us that let’s all the ‘would of, could of and should of’ potential hook-ups of our futures fall in the category of ‘maybe if I was still single’ because in the end we have the real thing waiting for us at home. And it’s that real thing that has all single women everywhere hoping they have in them, that very special sought after marriage gene, when they finally meet Mr. Right.
And in the end that real thing is something worth holding on to because married women know how long it took to find it and they know life just wouldn’t be the same without it.

Till parking lot drama do us part....

At the ripe old age of 35 and just having celebrated my fifth wedding anniversary I don’t claim to be the ‘be all and end all’ expert when it comes to what constitutes a happy and healthy marriage but I do know this, if I spend 30 minutes of my precious Saturday morning calling up my girlfriends and sister to give them a play by play of the ‘incident’ in the Walmart parking lot just moments before, then my friends, something ain’t right in somebody’s marriage.

I was minding my own business, just walking casually back to my car, getting ready to leave one errand run for another. I put my bags in the trunk, got into the drivers seat, and started the car. This by any standard is a fairly normal parking lot expectation for just about anyone. All of a sudden I hear a car behind me come to a screeching halt and a man gets out. Let me introduce you to the ‘yelling man’. At first I panicked thinking I had done something wrong, [Note: it took three tries to get my license so I always think it’s my fault when the situation involves a screeching car…that I blame on the fact that my driver’s ed course supplied only hot looking 20 something guys as driving instructors…so Frasier Atkinson, wherever you are, it was nice that you took the time to explain to me how to be a safe driver and the obey the rules of the road but all I got out of our in-car driving sessions was how cute your smile was and how good you looked in those jeans…but I digress] but when I noticed ‘yelling man’ walk over to the driver’s side of his car I was relieved to know that the problem wasn’t me.

Instead ‘yelling man’ proceeded to have a full fledged ‘relationship argument’ with his wife right there in the middle of the parking lot. Now since I gave her husband a name, it would only be fair that I refer to her as ‘very angry woman’. This couple went on for what seemed like forever and let me tell you it was a loud, arms waving, kind of marital spat. Let me point out that I had started up my car and it was very clear that I wanted to leave the parking spot, so I could get on with my day but apparently that didn’t matter to ‘yelling man’ and ‘very angry woman’, because she turned off the car and had no intentions of letting me out of my parking spot prison until she let her husband know exactly how she felt.

In a nutshell here are the ‘must knows’ of this particular drama. She thought he was rude to her back in the store and like always ‘he had neglected her feelings’. He on the other hand thought like always she was blowing things out of proportion (like I said they were yelling and since I had nothing better to do with my time, I may have rolled down my window for a better listen…and for the record it was completely in my right to do so, since at this point their ‘argument’ had become public ‘parking lot’ domain). [Note: If ‘very angry woman’ was looking for a quiet and peaceful shopping day at the shopping centre with her husband, then 11am on a Saturday morning was not the time nor the place for an idyllic shopping experience].

At that point, I thought I was on TV. You know those surreal ‘Candid Camera’ moments, where you look around thinking to yourself, “OK you got me, where’s the camera?” But this time there was no camera and no production crew laughing at my situation. So after patiently waiting for ‘yelling man’ and ‘very angry woman’ [note: clock count at this point was at least six minutes] I thought to myself, we’re adults here, if I simply explain to the couple that I just wanted to get out of the parking lot, and if they could temporarily put their argument on hold while she moved their car over one parking space, then I could get leave and they could resume their spat. OK fine, stupid idea I know, but at the time it sounded, if only in my head, like a perfectly reasonable solution.

So I got out of my car and proceeded to walk over to ‘yelling man’ and ‘very angry wife’ to calmly explain my predicament. Then do you know what ‘yelling man’ had the nerve to say to me? And in the most condescending tone I might add. He looks at me (well if we’re going for official police report accuracy here, he actually stared me down…the kind you see in those ‘heat of the moments’ on soap-operas) and says “Hello, do you have a problem? Or can I help you with something?” Normally, in any other given situation, a question like that deserves an answer but ‘yelling man’ didn’t seem to be in the talking mood…or at least not with me. So, politely as I moved backwards to my car, I said, “No, no I’ll just go back to my car and wait until you and your wife finish up, sorry to interrupt.”

Now please explain to me why I was apologizing? Why is that I, the party that was obviously in the right, was made to feel very much in the wrong by ‘yelling man’s’ two brief sentences? And while I’m putting questions out there, since when do public displays of ‘marital woes’ in the middle of a parking lot in the suburbs become OK? Had ‘relationship arguments’ in a wide open arena suddenly become acceptable? Was it our duty as fellow married types to just let these kind of ‘situations’ just go on in front of our eyes and let them play out until the ‘yelling men’ and the ‘very angry women’ of the worlds have come to a resolution. Even if it means that we have to put a hold on our lives?

I called up my fellow married friend Nadia and asked her if there was a memo circulating in the neighbourhood that made this kind of behavior acceptable for couples. A ‘coupling do’s and don’ts’ memo that I obviously had no idea even existed.

Good news…no such memo was to be found anywhere. Apparently I had simply just encountered my very first couple of married ‘crazies’. That’s what Nadia called those couples who think it’s OK to have those ‘remind me again why I’m still married to you arguments’ in public. Arguments that I might add, I thought were still reserved for the privacy of one’s home or for daytime soap opera plot lines.

Which leads me to my next question, at what point in a relationship, do you let yourself believe that you can take the most unpleasant moments of your ‘couplehood’ and put them out there on public display? And for that matter, not care that people are pointing and staring at you and could possibly be putting you down in that newly formed ‘crazies’ married category? Or is it me? Am I one of the few that hasn’t been so desensitized by the wave of reality TV shows, that this kind of drama playing out before me isn’t deemed to be normal behavior in my eyes?

Let’s just say that one of two things will have to happen. Either the whole vow business will have to be updated to include “Till death and parking lot do us part”, or a brand new lecture topic for marriage courses will have to be made mandatory for potential would be couples. No matter how mad you are at your significant other and how big the argument is…never ever, ever have it the middle of a very busy and packed Walmart parking lot on a Saturday morning…save it until you get home. Or better yet, don’t go shopping with your husband if that’s what the end result is going to be. Here’s a little self-help advice for those couples prone to the ‘parking lot drama’ syndrome: One of the many reasons why married women hold on to their friendships with the ‘girls’ and value them so…it’s for those peaceful, fun-filled, drama-free shopping trips.

Now, so I don’t leave you hanging with the ‘incident’, this is how it finally played out. At the ten minute mark ‘yelling man’ finally managed to calm down and walked back to the passenger seat and he and ‘very angry woman’ drove off…laughing. And I was able to leave my parking space prison and go on with my day.

Welcome to the world of marriage…you never know what you’re going to get.